Things I Thought I’d Be Good at (But Absolutely Am Not)

There are some things in life you just assume you’ll be naturally good at. Driving? Easy. Keeping plants alive? No problem. Touching a wet sponge without wanting to scream? Totally doable.

Lies. All of it.

Somewhere along the way, I built up these expectations of myself—expectations that I have, time and time again, absolutely failed to meet. So here’s a humble (and slightly tragic) list of things I thought I’d master but instead, I have turned into a full-blown menace.

1. Keeping Plants Alive

People say plants are great low-maintenance companions. They lie. Plants are needy, dramatic little things that wilt when you look at them wrong. I have a collection of pots filled with what were supposed to be thriving greenery but now resemble botanical crime scenes. Succulents? Dead. A pothos, which is literally supposed to be impossible to kill? Crispy. I once killed a fake plant by knocking it off a shelf and losing one of its plastic leaves. My gardening skills are so bad, I think plants whisper warnings to each other when I walk into Home Depot.

2. Parallel Parking

There is a very specific kind of anxiety that comes with knowing you have to parallel park. I see an open spot on a crowded street, but instead of pulling in, I break into a cold sweat and accept my fate of driving ten more blocks just to find a normal parking lot. The thought of having an audience while I attempt to back in? Nope. I’d rather just keep circling the block forever, hoping the universe will grant me a pull-through spot so I don’t have to embarrass myself in front of strangers.

3. Driving in the Snow

Let me paint you a picture: It’s winter. The roads are icy. I’m gripping the steering wheel so hard my knuckles are white, and my kids are in the backseat, waiting for it.

Then, it happens—I hit a patch of ice, the car slightly shifts, and I make a noise so shrill and panicked that my children have officially dubbed it “The Call of the Harpies.” I don’t know what it is about snow driving that makes me react like a horror movie victim, but if there were an Olympic event for unintelligible screeching while skidding at 5mph, I’d have a gold medal.

4. Touching Wet Sponges That I Didn’t Wet Myself

Look, I know this makes no sense. But something about a wet sponge that I didn’t personally moisten gives me a visceral, full-body NOPE reaction. What if it’s slimy? What if it’s cold? What if it’s been sitting in the sink absorbing things it should not have absorbed? I can’t do it. I won’t do it. If I need to clean something and the sponge is already wet, I will throw it away and buy a new one before willingly picking it up. Fight me.

5. Furniture Arrangement That Stays Arranged

I suffer from a very specific compulsion: the inability to leave furniture in the same place for more than a few months. Nothing ever feels quite right. Could the couch be better over there? Would the bookshelves feel more balanced on the opposite wall? My friends will visit and have to take a moment to recalibrate because the entire layout of my house has once again changed since they last saw it. I think I missed my calling as a set designer for a TV show where everything needs to be rearranged between takes.

In Conclusion:

I had big hopes for myself in these areas. But instead of thriving, I’ve become a menace to plant life, a parking hazard, a winter-driving banshee, a sponge-phobic germaphobe, and a chronic interior designer.

And honestly? I’ve made my peace with it.

Now excuse me while I go move my couch for the fourth time this month.